2008 starts with a BANG! - The Florida Highway Patrol warned drivers to stay off the roads Thursday morning, because driving conditions were as bad if not worse than Wednesday morning. I-4 was closed for a 14-mile stretch in both east and westbound directions and was expected to remain closed for an indefinite time.  Crews tried to work through the night, Wednesday, to repair a stretch of I-4 damaged in a fiery 70 car pile-up, but had to suspend their efforts when more fog and smoke filled the air and construction crews could not see.  Florida and local officials said four people were killed and 38 were injured in the mangled, fiery wrecks.  The blazes left what amounted to a 650-foot wide hole in the interstate that will have to be repaired before the roadway can be reopened. Authorities thought if all went well, there was a possibility that could happen by mid-morning Thursday, but they weren't making any promises. The damage was most significant in the eastbound lanes. Diesel fuel spilled during the crash which softened and damaged the interstate.

AND IT STARTED WITH A CONTROLLED BURN!

Ok, I know traffic sucks everywhere.. but TRUST ME, no where

is as bad as Orlando! I say a prayer every time I get behind the

wheel. People here DON'T CARE if they hit you. I don't know if

it's because they all drive tiny Hondas that are worthless or if it's

because they are from a country where people ride in hay carts.

Scientists have been studying the traffic patterns

of the 84 Honda and this is what they have found...

In the following diagrams these will serve as reference:

Orlando Florida resident's car  =    

   Normal driver in a normal car  = 

Some Fat @$!# on a motorcycle =

Pattern A (The Bob and Weave)

if there is more than two inches between your bumper and the car you are passing then you are doing this move WRONG.

 The goal is to risk as many lives as you can and try to impress dirt bag girls. How will I know if they are dirt bags you ask? Its easy, if they are impressed by your 84 Civic in the first place then they are probably dirt bags. What this move is good for: Getting to TacoBell 14 seconds before the car that was in front of you.

News update: You can now get a ticket on Semoran Blvd for NOT doing this!

Tip on getting noticed: Your giant tale pipe is loud.. but couldn't it be louder? Sure, stuff some fireworks and live cats inside it!

Pattern B (There's a fast lane?)

This move is where three cars drive side by side on a three lane road (extra points if it is a 4 or 5 lane road!) and they all drive the same speed. This move is great for blocking people who DO have jobs from getting to work on time.

Where to do this move: I-4

Pattern C (This is MY lane!)

This move is where someone needs to get into your lane to turn so you  speed up as fast as you can to cut them off.

Tip: Rapid acceleration is the KEY, if you hesitate for a second they will mistake it for human compassion and think you care about your fellow man. These are both qualities that can get you hurt in Orlando! Stomp the gas pedal to floor and let them know you mean business!

OFS NAVIGATION (THE FUTURE IS NOW!)

Things In Orlando That Don't Suck(As Much)

Miscellaneous Stuff

Orlando Florida Sucks Communication!