Prepare for a RANT. <WOOP> <WOOP> <RED LIGHT FLASHES>

Like you didn't see this coming.. what would we be with out our theme parks? A swamp, that's what! A quiet, peaceful, beautiful swamp. Full of playful animals and trees that grow chocolate, and Emmit Otter would blow a tune on his jug to put me to sleep at night.. or that's how my "no tourists or theme parks" dream always goes. I usually have that dream after I drink a half bottle of Old Rooster and pass out on my lawn..  but I digress. My relationship with Disney is a love/hate one. I love to go during the Winter when there aren't many people there. I love the Food and Wine Festival at Epcot. I love several of the Disney restaurants.

On the other hand I HATE crowds. I HATE tourists.. I shouldn't say that, I have met one or two (out of thousands and thousands) that were nice people. What I hate is the "I don't speak English, and I'm not sure how a line works, and we don't shower in my country, oh and I HATE AMERICANS" tourists.. well right back at you Pierre!  I have worked at the Magic Kingdom and Epcot.. let me assure you both parks are more fun as "guests". Don't get me wrong.. I have walked through Pirates of the Caribbean while it was drained for rehab. I have been under the track in the Haunted Mansion and seen the ball room dancers spinning while the ride was RUNNING. I even got to walk on the scaffolding that ran above the water inside the ride building for 20,000 leagues under the sea.. before they tore it down to make a crappy playground (while I'm at it, if anyone from Disney is reading this WE DON'T NEED ANYMORE PLAYGROUNDS OR CHARACTER GREETING SPOTS IN THE MAGIC KINGDOM, SPEND SOME MONEY YOU CHEAP BASTARDS!).. and those were magical times I will never forget. It was the hard, back braking labor under the sun for $6.35 an hour that made me quit. 

I don't even want to get into working at the hotels.. Several years ago "Front Desk Clerk" was listed in the USA Today as the 4th most dangerous job.. the top 3 were law enforcement related. The hotels are just plain unethical. Every night they book more rooms than they have. Overbooking is a strategy to make sure they don't have unoccupied rooms at the end of the night. Sure there are always one or two reservations that don't show up.. but most of the hotels I worked at would overbook by like 10 rooms a night. Then every night like clockwork we would have to "walk" people to other hotels.. hotels that weren't as nice as ours, but in the summer you don't have a lot of options. Blamo, vacation ruined on the first night. Plus most of the hotels on I-drive SUCK. They are old and smell like mildew. If they are owned by a certain Indian family that sounds like "hotel" they are going to be filled up even if the ceiling is caving in. That's just not right.

Crap, this page was under the "doesn't suck" section.. and its about attractions.. how did you let me get this far off track?

Walt Disney World

It all started with a mouse.. Walt stomped one in his kitchen and said "How can I make money off this?". Seriously, Disney is fun in the off season. Unfortunately there are only two weeks a year of off season now.

I love the special events too, Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party and Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party are the best. They are cheaper than a normal park ticket and SOMETIMES they aren't as crowded. If you go on the weekend it will be just as crowded because more Disney World tickets are sold than people can comfortably fit in the park. I don't think that will ever change.. you can be elbow to elbow and they will still let people pour in.

I have noticed as of late that the "cast members" are getting ruder too.. not sure why. Probably that whole over-worked/under-paid thing. They will let you work 100 hours a week if you want to. They don't have a "maximum hours" policy. During Grad Nights and Nights of Joy (the park is open all night) People will be sleeping in the break rooms between 12 hour shifts. They can afford tons of overtime because even at time and a half your only making $9 an hour, think about it.

The Magic Kingdom and Epcot are my favorites. Epcot's Food and Wine festival is great. One thing that is funny is that people think since you pay $70+ to get in the tiny food samples are free, which is how it would be anywhere else in the world. Last year I heard an older woman say "I have to pay $2.50 for these free samples??". It made me laugh out loud. Animal Kingdom and MGM are basically worthless... they only built them to add value to the "park hopper" tickets. There are only four REAL things worth doing at MGM, "Rock N Roller Coaster", "Tower of Terror", "The Great Movie Ride" and "The Backlot Tour". Animal Kingdom only has TWO, the "Safari" and "Dinosaur".. what a waste!

All in all.. the scale for Disney still doesn't tip in the Sucks direction. Probably because I grew up watching the movies and my first memories are going there as a kid. If neither of those had happened and you took me to the park for the first time today I would probably be like "$70 for this? Are you kidding? $12 for parking, I'm outta here!?!"

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Universal Orlando

(Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure)

I could take or leave both Universal parks, probably because of the lack of sentimental memories I was talking about above. The Spider Man ride is cool. Terminator 3D is ok, but its getting dated and the last time I was on it half the special effects weren't working. They played that sound of the motorcycle revving and then the actor playing Arnold just ran out on stage on foot. I guess that is plan B if the motorcycle doesn't work, but it was super corny. One thing I do LOVE is Halloween Horror Nights.. The whole park in transformed into haunted houses and scare zones. They really do a good job of it too. 

Ripley's Believe It Or Not

People ask me if Ripley's is worth going to. My answer is easy, "Is it worth $18.95 to you to see a fake shrunken head?". If the answer is yes then YES it is worth it. I have been a couple of times and it's good for a laugh.

R.I.P. Skull Kingdom (06/13/1997 - 11/07/2006)

Good bye, old friend.. you are gone but not forgotten. I mean sure in a few months you will be gone AND forgotten but you were great while you lasted, well not really but that isn't the point. Sure you were full of cheap "jump out and scream" thrills, and yes most of your props were about to fall apart but that didn't stop you from charging the ridiculous $25.00 admission. Lured in by the fire spurting from your mighty turrets, and your Styrofoam skull facade tourists were treated to dime store Halloween decorations and rooms that were too dark to know what was going on.

Ok, what I'm trying to say is that Skull Kingdom sort of DID suck but there was something cool about it. When the owners were trying to find new ways to make money the decided to add a "magic show" with free beer and pizza. It was a JOKE, while you were waiting for the show to start you would see a Dominos delivery driver come in with your pizza, I'm SERIOUS! So you got Dominos pizza, watered down beer and a homemade magician for $22, give me a break! I used to have a small Skull Kingdom made of plaster that was used to hold brochures at a hotel, and I loved it... now that it is closed forever I wish I still had that trinket, I could probably sell it!

Speaking of, after Skull Kingdom closed they held an auction for everything inside. Bidding was up to 40 before the high bidder figured out it was $40,000 and not $40 so he backed out, HA! Then bidding closed at $26,000 and the owner backed out because he wanted $100,000?!? Back out of an auction because it didn't go high enough, did he think it was Ebay? The police had to be called and they settled on $32,000. Now the owner is trying to sell the crap, sorry, I mean "props" on Myspace.

Well lets look for a pattern.. Terror on Church Street CLOSED. Mystery Funhouse CLOSED (I miss that one). Haunted Mansion (On 192, NOT Disney) CLOSED. Skull Kingdom CLOSED. WOW, that guy opening Terror In Orlando on I-drive is a genius! Where can I buy that stock! Hahahaha.

The Skull Kingdom website!

Who knows how long this site will be up??

You should check it out though, you think my site looks cheesy get a load of this one!